Sports Horn is a collaboration between comedy duo The Exploding Heads and the team behind The Football Ramble, it’s an incisive parody of testosterone-fuelled sports radio. This is the Behind Stak column from Issue #023 of the magazine.
The Ian Fiveankles Breakfast Show has just launched on Sports Horn, the UK’s third most talked about Sports Radio network. Co-host Anthony Richardson caught up with former professional footballer turned current pundit Ian Fiveankles.
Anthony: Ian Fiveankles, it must be good to be back in the pundit saddle!
Ian: It is, Anthony. Sports Horn is a top, top, top, top, top, top radio station and we all know that the breakfast show is the most important meal of the day. Don’t get me wrong…
A: I won’t get you wrong…
I: …don’t get me wrong, I had a glittering career on the football pitch, but this studio in Feltham just off the A316 is where the real dreams are made.
A: You played for 17 different clubs and were awarded LDV Vans Trophy Most Improved Player three times. You have a winning mentality, but will you win over the ears of the nation?
I: I’ve always said that if I can mark Muzzy Izzet out of a game (twice) then I can do anything. I’ve even nearly got back together with my ex-wife Denise! So I’m more than capable of being a sports broadcaster every bit as good as your Jamie O’Haras, your Scott Mintos and your Darren Bents of this world.
A: As good as Jermaine Jenas?
I: Absolutely not, Anthony. Jermain Jenas is untouchable. He’s like the Michaelangelo of our art. That guy’s presented The One Show.
A: What can we expect on The Ian Fiveankles Breakfast Show?
I: Well, Anthony, Sports Horn’s slogan is ‘Horning Sport From The Rooftops’ and my show will be no exception. I’ll be talking about the game from inside the white lines, outside the white lines and occasionally on the white lines. I’m fingering the pulse, I’m 110% in the know and I live three doors down from Steve Bould so we’re not short of a guest if desperate. Now don’t get me wrong…
A: I won’t get you wrong.
I: …Don’t get me wrong, we’ll hear from proper fans too. I’ll half-listen to Mike from Aberdeen’s opinion on yesterday’s game before launching into an unrelated anecdote about the time me and Dennis Wise cut up Steve McMahon’s suit before a cup final.
A: Where do you see yourself in a year’s time?
I: The answer to that is simple, Anthony. I want to wake up in the arms of my ex-wife Denise, Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits playing on her phone, and with a Sports Radio Award under my pillow. We can but dream, Anthony. We can but dream.
Sports Horn is a parody podcast from award-winning podcast network Stak. Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, other popular podcast apps or search ‘Sports Horn’ in your podcast app to subscribe and listen now!