It’s been eight months since the winners of Content is Queen’s 2022 Micro-Grants for Podcasters Programme were announced, and we are starting to hear the fruits of that scheme. The first sneak-listen was given to the audience of the Micro Grant session at the London Podcast Festival session, but now one of those stories is available to the public.

‘Dead Ends’ by Talia Augustidis was broadcast last night as part of the new series of the BBC’s Lights Out audio documentary. In the episode, Talia offers a personal reflection on how we choose to remember someone, in this case her mother. With a starting point of home videos and crime scene photographs, the episode is about as personal as it gets. In fact, one of the teaser clips features Talia interviewing her father after developing a video of her mum that turned out to be a homemade sex-tape.

I was intrigued to learn more about how Talia navigated the line between emotion, embarrassment and audio production in such a unique piece.

This came out of the Content Is Queen micro grant – what do you think it was about your application that stuck out?

I think first of all the power of the story: trying to discover my Mum from these insufficient fragments. Then also the concept, I pitched to them a version where it appears in an online exhibition in a choose-your-own-adventure style way, which will come out next year. And finally the access, I already had all of this tape from years of recording.

How important was it for you to have this kind of development space?

Hugely important. It’s such a personal piece that I really needed a lot of time and space to leave it and come back, which the micro-grant allowed me, while also pushing me to actually go into the tapes and sift through them. It was really helpful too because I have a full-time job so I could only really work on it in the evenings and weekends, so I don’t think I would have been able to make it for this Lights Out series without the ideas I developed during the micro-grant process.

Why was audio the right medium for this project?

Ultimately it is a story about “images”: home videos, a sex tape, crime scene photographs and memories. And it’s about me not being able to access those images, for a variety of different reasons. So audio is an interesting medium to choose, because it allows for privacy for me and my family while also replicating the feeling of not being able to access the images we are discussing.

Did you take inspiration from any podcasts in particular before you started?

Not consciously. I tried as best I could to work from the tape first, that’s why each chapter is in a different style. But of course unconsciously I am constantly picking up on influences and inspiration. That being said, I am always inspired by the work of Nanna Hauge Kristensen. I think she creates the most beautiful, human, intimate audio of anyone I’ve ever heard, which I try to channel in certain moments of this piece.

As the Producer you obviously had to watch the videos and then speak to your dad about it. How much did you have to re-listen to that interview when producing the episode? And did your emotions and reactions change with re-listens?

I did that particular interview (the one in the audiogram) with my Dad in 2021, and I only listened to it a few months ago for the first time when editing it. I sort of shut it out for a long time I guess. Then I listened once all the way through and just tried to really listen with my body for the part that made me feel things, including discomfort, and those are the parts that stayed in. Of course I had to listen many more times when refining and cutting down, which usually makes me a bit numb to the emotions of the tape, but with that section it always made me laugh and cringe like it did the first time actually. I guess talking to your Dad about your dead mum’s sex tape is never going to feel normal and comfortable, even on the 100th listen.

At some stage you must have had to bring in new listeners to help you produce – and then hand over to the public to listen – how did you know the right time to do that and how does that feel now?

This is where I really want to give a huge shout out to El and Alan from Falling Tree. I found it really hard at the beginning to send drafts of the pieces. It’s such an immensely personal piece, and sharing it with the public feels like sharing a little part of yourself with the world, but sharing first drafts is like an open wound. And when the pitch was accepted for Lights Out I was so relieved to be working with Falling Tree on it, because I trust them. It really taught me the power of having a good editor, not even just for feedback, but even just knowing that you have someone sensitive that you trust allowed me to really push and finish the project.

Do you have any advice for budding producers?

On the topic of Dead Ends, I would say be really gentle with yourself when making personal pieces. If it’s your first time, I wouldn’t recommend making something with hard deadlines. Give yourself time and space to walk away and come back, without the pressure of disappointing anyone external. The first time I made a personal piece was at university (actually it was my first ever piece, The Sound Collector), dredging up the past became really overwhelming and I had to take a few months away from it and come back when I was ready. So be kind to yourself, check in, and don’t put yourself in a situation where taking space isn’t possible.

Dead Ends wouldn’t exist without two years of recording, one year of space, six months of development time from Content is Queen and a couple months of final edits.

Anything else you’d like readers to know?

I pitched a version of this story to the BBC twice — once to Radio 3 and once to Radio 4 — and it was rejected both times. So I want to say thank you to Content is Queen for taking a chance on it, and for Falling Tree for not giving up on it and putting it in their Lights Out series, which features audio documentaries that do something a little different, and take a closer look at news stories. This project has been so immensely cathartic and I’m really glad it found such a lovely home in such good company.

Listen to Lights Out on BBC Sounds, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and other popular podcast apps >>

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Redefine You: A Conversation for Wellbeing has been a true blessing in my life. At the beginning of lockdown, like many, I went from an abundance of travel for work, to a stand-still. During this time, my mind was racing on how I could give back some of the knowledge I have accrued over my years in the body image and wellness space.

As artists, we regularly deal with the fear of the unknown professionally and still have to show up for ourselves. Now the whole world was dealing with the fear of the unknown and they may not have explored the tools they already had access to within themselves.

I wanted to give back my knowledge on how I’ve walked alongside my anxiety, even on the most challenging of days, and still showed up for myself. Then I became curious about friends of mine in the industry. What was in their toolbox? We often get asked about our professional achievements, but what about our personal ones? The ones where we struggled yet still succeeded; felt lost yet suddenly became found through an ‘AHA!’ moment; when we finally took ownership of who we are and all that we are.

I wanted to celebrate those moments – the good, the indifferent and beyond. I wanted an audience to know they are never alone in their journey to become grounded in the power of them. Even the people they admire the most experience these feelings and have had challenging moments behind the scenes.

Once you find the courage to make ‘you’ a part of your daily practice and build a personalized toolbox to revert back to on your stumbled moments that you too will be okay, succeed and live a beautiful life.

What started as an InstaLive series (purely created to give back inspiring stories of ownership to self and mental health awareness) has now turned into this overpouring love of a podcast, with a community of people waiting to support you in your journey to become grounded in the power of you.

As we hit our twentieth episode, the impact I get from each one of the stories being told is far too much to put into words.

I have been a body activist for years, yet silently suffering with crippling social anxiety at times, and feeling shame for not being able to grasp why these emotions would arise when I am such a people person. To hear stories outside myself is a true reflection that there is so much strength in vulnerability, and you are not alone in where your mind may wander. It gives me another reason to feel grounded in knowing it’s okay to not be ‘okay’ in a journey to become connected to an ever-evolving self.

We all struggle at times, fall down, turn those moments into life experiences and work hard to find our way out. It just so happens that we just don’t talk about it publicly enough to know that this has been true, time and time again. The stories shared in Redefine You will surprise you and leave you feeling encouraged to look within. What may serve you from their journey that you can apply to yours? When a guest shows vulnerability in such a way, it encourages us all to look within.

Redefine You with Hayley Hasselhoff shares conversations with inspiring friends of mine in the industry. We hear their stories of true ownership in self and their mental wellbeing journey along the way. I’ve learned how we all experience mental health challenges but that they can arise in different forms for each person; that not one mental health condition can be categorized yet it helps another when you put a face to it; how validating our emotions – even without knowing the answer – is always the first step; that hearing another lived experience can help us in healing our own; and how feelings like grief can catapult into many aspects of someone’s lives.

We have had guests speak about living with an eating disorder, grief, imposter syndrome, losing a loved one through death by suicide, the beauty of putting ‘pain to purpose’ when being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and so much more.

I thank each and every beautiful, fearless guest I have had on for the impact they are making by telling their truth and the beauty in that. I can only hope the podcast inspires you to look within and guides you to lead a life being grounded in you.

Listen to Redefine You with Hayley Hasselhoff now on SPOTIFY, Hayley’s website, or other podcast platforms.

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Having worked at the apex of the British music industry in the 90s, Secret Drug Addict (SDA) has since gone on to be very open about his adventures. His Twitter avatar is suitably clandestine but he has appeared on numerous podcasts to talk about his fascinating life and his journey as someone in recovery for drugs and alcohol. Ever honest, ever charismatic, and always with self-deprecation in his tone, SDA never fails to get people to listen and take note, but what does the man behind the balaclava listen to in the podcast world, and what was his introduction to this world?

SDA: I’m actually a bit embarrassed about it but I’m quite late to podcasting. Any spare time I’ve had in the past was spent listening to records, friends would send me links saying, “You’ve got to listen to this podcast, you’ll love it!” – but I would just never bother. Initially I suppose I just couldn’t get my head around the idea of just listening to somebody talking when I could be listening to music instead, it’s like why would I want to listen to someone just chatting about something when I could be listening to the new Sleaford Mods record or some rare reissued album by Funkadelic? But, as my Secret Drug Addict profile grew online I started getting invites from people to be on their podcasts and initially I just said no to all of them but I kept getting asked so I thought maybe I should actually make an effort to check a few out to see what they were all about and the more I listen to the more I found that I thought were actually pretty good.

One of my favourite pods that I’m listening to at the moment is The Rialto Report, which is about New York during the golden age of pornography, its a really well made series that I highly recommend checking out if you don’t already know it.

If I’m being honest though it wasn’t really until I listened to Stay Free: The Story of The Clash with Chuck D and Dolly Parton’s America (which btw is my favourite ever podcast) that I really “got” podcasting and now I actually listen to far more podcasts than I do albums. Most of the podcasts I tend to listen to are probably about music, football or sex but weirdly some of my favourite pods are ones that I don’t even really have any actual interest in what they’re about but they’re just made by people who you can tell have a real love for what they’re doing. The sound quality is absolutely shocking, the editing is terrible but you can hear their passion and for me I think if you’re doing a podcast that’s the most important thing.

PB: As alluded to, SDA is always receiving offers to take part in a podcast, he’s become a go-to guest on a range of subjects, such as addiction, drugs, sex, rock and roll (of course), music and activism. Due to his colourful life in the world of 90s Brit Pop, and having worked with the biggest bands of the day, it’s no wonder he’s such a desired guest.

SDA: I honestly can’t remember all the podcasts I’ve been on. Once I’ve done a podcast I tend to just completely put it out of my mind as I’m so critical of myself that I don’t like to think about them or even listen to them once they’re done as all I’ll do is find faults in them. Although saying that a few that I can remember being on are Stop And Search, Say Why To Drugs, We Are The Stigma, Rehab Confidential and I’ve literally just done one with the Lions Barber Collective so that one is still fresh in my mind. It’s always nice to be invited onto someone’s podcast. If I’m honest I can’t really think of a better way to spend an hour or two of my time than drinking coffee and chatting. I always thought I was a quiet and shy person but since I stopped doing drugs I’ve realised just how much I actually like hanging out and talking to people.

PB: Even though his moniker suggests he’s a closed book, Secret Drug Addict often addresses the most sensitive of subjects. Having risen to the ranks as Twitter royalty, SDA began to take part in what’s known as a ‘Twitter Takeover’ – the idea being that Twitter profiles with a large following lend their account to someone in efforts to help raise awareness to important issues. For quite some time SDA has Twitter taken-over the Welsh international football player Neville Southall’s account, allowing him to tweet about many subjects and forging many allies. The self-publishing world of social media and podcasts has an appeal to SDA’s way of working.

SDA: For a start you’re not reliant on commissioners or editors or restricted by the way they want to tell a story or approach a subject. All you need is an interest in a subject and a microphone and you can literally make a podcast about whatever you want, however you want. I think there’s something quite punk rock in that.

I actually find it pretty easy being open about my life, especially around my experiences with addiction and mental health. There’s nothing I’ve done and nothing that’s happened to me that I’m secretive about or that I’m embarrassed or ashamed to discuss with someone. I personally find freedom in not allowing myself to be held hostage by the shame or embarrassment of my experiences. I’ve also found out that by being open and honest about my struggles I’ve actually indirectly helped other people who were struggling with their own issues. I’ve honestly lost count of the amount of times that after hearing me on a podcast or seeing something I’ve tweeted or even just meeting me out socially at like a gig or a pub and after asking me why I’m not drinking alcohol someone has then got in touch and me asked if they can have a chat about their own drinking or drug taking with me.

PB: The big question is: with such a big social media following, and with cult status secured, not to mention a go-to guest for podcasts… will we see Secret Drug Addict dip his own toe into the world of podcasting?

SDA: Actually it’s funny you ask that because I’ve actually had some discussions recently about maybe doing something. So far most of the conversations have generally been around doing one that’s basically an extension of the Secret Drug Addict stuff I do on Twitter and Instagram, so essentially something in and around drugs, addiction, sex work and mental health stuff, but because of my background of working in the music industry a couple have been about maybe doing something that’s either music or pop culture related. So far nothing has grabbed me yet and if I do one it has to be something that I’m 100% into and passionate about rather than just something I’m doing for the sake of it, but it’s definitely something I’m interesting in pursuing so if anyone out there has any ideas or wants to collaborate and do something with me then feel free to drop me a DM on Twitter and we can have a chat about it.

Twitter @ScrtDrugAddict // Instagram @scrtdrugaddict

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